Electronic Gaming Monthly, or EGM for short, ceased publication a few months back. But what about the remaining months left on the subscriptions of all the paying customers?
If you were in charge of how to handle this, would you:
A. Give subscribers a pro-rated refund
B. Apply the balance to a gaming website which charges a monthly fee
C. Switch the customer’s subscription to a similar gaming magazine
D. Send everyone Maxim!
Yes, EGM subscribers began to receive Maxim magazines in the mail as a “replacement” for the EGM magazine they were no longer getting. This isn’t a joke or some clever fakepost. I think this is the first website that mentioned it, but there are plenty more and a search for “EGM Maxim” will keep the party going. I was going to write a long post about the idiocy of the whole thing. But I think other websites have already adequately covered the reasons why this is so asinine, such as: Maxim only does a couple of pages of really short game reviews and they suck, getting a Maxim out of nowhere can get kids in trouble with parents or boyfriends with girlfriends (etc.), it’s obvious that zero consideration was given to the many female subscribers or any gay male subscribers. And just in general, it makes so little sense.
But hey, I just want to say that no matter what anyone says about Maxim, there is one thing you can truly count on…reviews with the highest ethical and journalistic standards. Oh, unless they’re pressed for time. Then they just write a clever sounding review and give it a random amount of stars without even listening to the CD they’re reviewing. (”Humor” after the jump!)
Well, anyway…enough venting. In fact, I recently infiltrated a top-secret conference of executives and hid behind a fairly large printer to hear the details of their secret plans. Well, besides the usual stuff like picking on the PS3 guy and reading the funniest customer complaints out loud, these executives discussed shocking plans to utilize a strategy of replacement similar to the EGM/Maxim switch! I slipped out by hiding in the beverage cart and I’m here to bring you this incredible report:
Warhammer Online: We know why you play our fantastic MMO…it’s for the great PvP! Those huge battles, the realm vs. realm action, pwning your enemies and then pwning them again! Unfortunately, due to a lack of interest we will be closing just a few servers. By few, we mean every server except the internal test server. But fear not - we know you need that bloody PvP action! We’ve reached a deal with the creators of another MMO to allow your subscription to automatically transfer. You just sit back and relax! But don’t relax too much because you’ll need all your wits to survive in…Pixie Hollow! Don’t let those noobs steal your acorns and dandelion fluff right out from under you! You’re going to need to level up your baking skill and outfit yourself with some sick gear if you’re ever going to raid the Summer Garden Tea Party. I’d recommend at the very least a Daisy Pink Friendship Bracelet, Tundra Blue Chipmunk Slippers and definitely a special Summer Party hairstyle. Kick some ass out there!
(Aggro note: Pixie Hollow is actually really well done for what it is).
PS3 Home: Ah, Home. It’s where the heart is! And what a super-exciting, fast paced and amazing world we’ve created with Home. So much to see, so much to do! Every day is an adventure on Home! Let me tell you, it wasn’t easy to actually make an online space shittier than Second Life - but we did it! Oh, I mean…an online space this super awesome! But we’ve decided to “work” on the Home experience for a while to make it even more mind-blowing.
In the interim, we will be sending out a can of paint to each of our Home members! And a shitload of ads because those are just fun. When you get your can of adventure, paint a small section of the wall, stop and carefully observe as it dries. We encourage you to take pictures of this paint metamorphosis and send them to us. We’re going to put them all together into a big collage or something!
Harvard: We’re so pleased to have received your tuition payment to our famed and historic university. However, do to circumstances beyond our control, we are unable to actually bring in any new students. But fear not! We have applied all of your tuition to Harvard to the Cool Dudes Game Design program of Westwood Online. We feel this is a more than adequate replacement for a Harvard degree, as you will learn not only how to tighten up the graphics on level 3 but also how to rage out about your videogame-hating mother. Best of luck!
Netflix: Thanks for being a valued Netflix subscriber! Unfortunately, an angry kangaroo somehow got into our main server room and we’re going to be down for several months (or as long as that bastard can hold out!). But don’t worry - we know you love your movies! That’s why we’re applying your payments and future subscription to our new webside, Netflix MD. Movies about doctors? Haha, no. The MD comes from UMD, the most powerful, popular and remarkable storage medium in history! They’re small! You can juggle them! They have that protective platic thingy! So enjoy this great opportunity to rent as many UMD’s as you want! UMD’s are playable anywhere! Well, as long as you have a PSP with you. Well, not the new PSP Go though, that one doesn’t have a UMD drive.
AT&T: Thank you for choosing AT&T as your wireless service provider! You probably don’t know this but even though Apple released the tools for doing so, we’re not getting around to implementing MMS or tethering anytime soon. In fact, we’ve just learned that in order to properly introduce these amazingly complex elements, we will need to hold onto your iPhone for around 3 months. That’s for MMS but it’ll be around 4 months if you want tethering (by the way, if you want tethering just sign over the deed to your house to us now because it ain’t going to be a buck a month haha). We’re sorry for this inconvenience!
But we would never let our customers be without a phone for that long! Your monthly bill will remain the same and we will apply it to amazing alternatives. Luckily, we just came upon hundreds of crates in the back of an old warehouse. The crates contained thousands of what can only be described as…the Zack Morris Phone. We all know retro is in so have yourself a Zack Attack and get “so excited” about your cool new mobile phone! Try tethering that!
But we know that the iPhone does more than just make calls. We’ve got you covered there too! A portion of your monthly fees will be applied to an incredible MP3 player. Not just any MP3 player…we don’t fuck around. We go right to the top with Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus MP3 Player with LCD Screen
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{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
Haha, very good post, I particularly appreciated your other examples.
I was not an EGM subscriber but I’d be furious if I was for one of the reasons you’ve mentioned - why should as a female subscriber get a men’s magazine rather than a games one? That’s appalling, customers should have a choice.
Heads should roll in which ever marketing department decided this.
If Harvard’s letter to me says that “do” to Problem X, they have come up with Solution Y, then I’m pretty sure that I didn’t need to go there anyway. There are plenty of American universities that can use the English language correctly.
Being a woman who has in the past subscribed to video game magazines (Nintendo Power, GamePro) I would NOT be happy if they suddenly started sending me Maxim. What am I supposed to do with that? I think even lesbians would be off put by that content. If they were going to substitute anything, it should have been of a similar product (another gaming magazine). Me, I would have been satisfied with just a refund
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